it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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