I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize