i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
