I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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