i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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