I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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