Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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