She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Randomize
