he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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