You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize