i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize