You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
