mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
