I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
