i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
