oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
