I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How external is "for external use only"?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
