I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize