Life is so much better after having sex.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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