I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
