Sry I called you an 8
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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