the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
