found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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