My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
