Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
