Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
