we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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