100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
