You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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