Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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