Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
