singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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