Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
