I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
