Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My vagina is very pro this idea
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