Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
handjob tips. give me some.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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