So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
