I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
