I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
