After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
