I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
