in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
