you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
