2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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