dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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