I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
