I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
