Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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