my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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