In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
