I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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