Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Someone signed my nipple.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
