we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
