I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
