Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
