We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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