I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
