Sry I called you an 8
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
